I'm dreaming.

At least that's what it feels like. Ever since I left New York, I feel like I've been dreaming.

LA was a hazy dream. I saw faces that I didn't see on the daily in NYC, but they all looked so familiar. Kasamas' faces never leave you, I guess. It feels good to know that I will be welcomed with open arms wherever I can find my kasamas.

I stayed at Terrie's place Mondays through Wednesdays. She and her roommates and most of the women in SiGAw seem to be vegetarian. I thought it was funny that when I was feening for tacos for dinner one night, I ended up eating a jackfruit "carnitas" taco at this vegan restaurant that the SiGAw ladies took me to. I felt much healthier. But sometimes, my usual carniverous diet left me craving to chow down on BBQ ribs or something. I once had gone through two meatless days. I spent the end half of the week with Alex in Long Beach. He has been a wonderful kasama-partner, always helping me calm my pre-expo jitters. Knowing that I've come to the Philippines to do something real big has left me less heartbroken about leaving Alex in LA, and ready to face my people, all eyes and all ears.

The flight here was sooooooo quick. I flew Philippine Airlines from LAX nonstop to Manila. 13 hours only seemed like 2. Each seat had a personal TV thing, on which I watched movies to pass the time. I slept a lot. I felt like I was tossing and turning for most of it. It was such a shock to hear the captain say we would be landing in 20 minutes when I woke up. I felt like I was in a time warp. For almost a day, I did not see sunlight. Huge change from those two weeks in sunny LA. It was just darkness outside my window seat. Sometimes, if I squinted, I could see clouds reflecting the light from the moon. The first burst of light I saw from my window was the full moon. During my weeks in LA, I had been watching the moon become bigger and bigger, night by night (waning or waxing?). I was hoping that on my last night in LA, I would see it full. Instead, I saw it on my first early morning in the Philippines. It was whole. As whole as I feel right now being back in the motherland.

The seat next to me was empty. That's the second time that happened to me in a row. The seat next to me during my flight to LA from NY was empty too. I hope it's not some bad omen. I hope that whoever those seats belong to is okay.

I was looking forward to an extreme culture shock. But my Tita Liz said she would try to make the Philippines feel like "America" for me. I'm not really allowed to roam around by myself. Understandable, but that's a freedom I'm used to getting away with back home. Tita Liz is mad bougie. She stuck me in her extra airconditioned condo in Pasig City for the day while she and Tito Philip are at work and my cousins are at school. (They also have a big house in a gated community also in Pasig, retail property next to the condo, and a farm plot in Zambales).

She didn't stick me here alone. She has two katulongs at home. One of them, Mira, was assigned to babysit me. I am NOT used to asking someone to do things for me. So I didn't. But Mira insisted. I was looking for where the drinking water was in the condo and instead of just showing me where it was, Mira prepared a glass for me with ice and all. I tried to make conversation with her about how hot it is in the Philippines and she offered to turn on the airconditioning in my room. She held my groceries. She held my hand when we crossed the street. I feel like I'm being forced to play a really feudal role. I don't want to boss Mira around. She has been really confused that I don't have anything for her to do. And I'm afraid that she'll come offering to do things. We're both really shy around each other and are sitting in separate rooms to avoid each other like the plague. But I realized...she's masa. She's someone I want to get to know. I want her to see me as a peer, as a friend and not as her employer's niece, and especially not as her boss. I tried making conversation with her again. I found out she's 20 years old, like me. She's from Leyte and is the youngest of 10 children. She speaks Cebuano. Our conversations are filled with long, awkward, fidgety silences. I told her I was sorry if I seemed to be acting weird around her. I'm just not used to having someone wait on me all the time. We'll warm up to each other soon. We have a whole day to spend stuck in a condo together. The rainclouds have arrived.

For the record, Jollibee is a heckuvalot better in the Philippines.

Jeepneys and tricycles are a lot smaller than I remember them being. I was fearing for my life while riding in them. I want to reach the point where I'm not afraid anymore.

Expo starts tomorrow.
Mel and Cris, are y'all ready?

-Jackie