Everything is a prelude to the storm.
An acquaintance in LA scoffed at me when I claimed I could smell when it was about to rain.
But, you see, you can. Smell it I mean.
I scoffed at the immediate downpour because I carried my Tote in my totebag and she forgot her umbrella.
I did not need to say, "See, I can smell the rain. Borne of a land where water is above, below, and all around me. Borne of a long line of babaylans who could not only smell rain, but bring it, too."
She frowned at her drenched suede moccasins and I thought, "It already been broughten."
Mel and Jax
Rest Day - July 28th, 2009
Starbucks, Old Manila
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Collective decisions...
...have saved the three of us from a lot of confusion, pain, tension, anger, tears, cuss words, and overall negativity.
Monday, July 13, 2009
First Integration: DONE!
Just hella assessed our first integration.
Something that had surfaced in our assessments with Ate Vernie was the question: How does this particular integration help with your political work.
1. Concretization: There's a difference between talking about how 80% of our population are farmers and talking about their issues to actually being there and seeing it with your own eyes, hearing it and tasting it and feeling it. From having your feet muddy ALL THE TIME to having your back ache from planting (you know the song? Magtanim ay 'di biro, Maghapong nakayuko...so true and even more) to knowing how this community is struggling because freaking politicians will only work on promised irrigation systems during election time. It is a story to bring back to New York and use to arouse other folks into anger, into organizing (the focusing and giving direction to your anger).
2. Heighten the contradictions: It was Jax's continual struggle and I'll let her tell her stories, just want to mention the 1st world versus 3rd world .
Something that had surfaced in our assessments with Ate Vernie was the question: How does this particular integration help with your political work.
1. Concretization: There's a difference between talking about how 80% of our population are farmers and talking about their issues to actually being there and seeing it with your own eyes, hearing it and tasting it and feeling it. From having your feet muddy ALL THE TIME to having your back ache from planting (you know the song? Magtanim ay 'di biro, Maghapong nakayuko...so true and even more) to knowing how this community is struggling because freaking politicians will only work on promised irrigation systems during election time. It is a story to bring back to New York and use to arouse other folks into anger, into organizing (the focusing and giving direction to your anger).
2. Heighten the contradictions: It was Jax's continual struggle and I'll let her tell her stories, just want to mention the 1st world versus 3rd world .
Monday, July 6, 2009
Anger Management
I had all these fancy things in my head about going on Expo finally. But I think this may be important to write about.
I have friends who describe me as really happy. My gay friend says he can't imagine me ever being bitchy or angry. Of course, I told him, if you were family, you probably would see me as being capable of both.
I had this fight with my nephew, whom I'm close, too. Suffice to say, it is still not resolved. But I keep thinking about how, after I fought with him and we weren't speaking with each other, how my temper would flare and I could so easily yell at my nieces. I wish I could also do a process of evaluation and assessment with my family. Even though, I do a form of it when I apologize, it's not the same. I understand now what Val means when she says that if they don't hold the same principle, they're not on the same page as you, then the process might not mean as much, although the sorry will certainly still be needed.
Being with people 24/7 can trigger, I see, your darkest self. No question.
So, I'm trying to prepare myself. As much as I love Cris and Jax, I don't want to be caught unprepared and be in the same situation as I am now with my nephew. On un-speaking terms.
So, when Cris and Jax and I have a moment when we can breathe, I'm hoping to review with them our principle of evaluation and assessment.
I self-criticize that I haven't been able to see Joan at the Gab office.
I have friends who describe me as really happy. My gay friend says he can't imagine me ever being bitchy or angry. Of course, I told him, if you were family, you probably would see me as being capable of both.
I had this fight with my nephew, whom I'm close, too. Suffice to say, it is still not resolved. But I keep thinking about how, after I fought with him and we weren't speaking with each other, how my temper would flare and I could so easily yell at my nieces. I wish I could also do a process of evaluation and assessment with my family. Even though, I do a form of it when I apologize, it's not the same. I understand now what Val means when she says that if they don't hold the same principle, they're not on the same page as you, then the process might not mean as much, although the sorry will certainly still be needed.
Being with people 24/7 can trigger, I see, your darkest self. No question.
So, I'm trying to prepare myself. As much as I love Cris and Jax, I don't want to be caught unprepared and be in the same situation as I am now with my nephew. On un-speaking terms.
So, when Cris and Jax and I have a moment when we can breathe, I'm hoping to review with them our principle of evaluation and assessment.
I self-criticize that I haven't been able to see Joan at the Gab office.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I'm dreaming.
At least that's what it feels like. Ever since I left New York, I feel like I've been dreaming.
LA was a hazy dream. I saw faces that I didn't see on the daily in NYC, but they all looked so familiar. Kasamas' faces never leave you, I guess. It feels good to know that I will be welcomed with open arms wherever I can find my kasamas.
I stayed at Terrie's place Mondays through Wednesdays. She and her roommates and most of the women in SiGAw seem to be vegetarian. I thought it was funny that when I was feening for tacos for dinner one night, I ended up eating a jackfruit "carnitas" taco at this vegan restaurant that the SiGAw ladies took me to. I felt much healthier. But sometimes, my usual carniverous diet left me craving to chow down on BBQ ribs or something. I once had gone through two meatless days. I spent the end half of the week with Alex in Long Beach. He has been a wonderful kasama-partner, always helping me calm my pre-expo jitters. Knowing that I've come to the Philippines to do something real big has left me less heartbroken about leaving Alex in LA, and ready to face my people, all eyes and all ears.
The flight here was sooooooo quick. I flew Philippine Airlines from LAX nonstop to Manila. 13 hours only seemed like 2. Each seat had a personal TV thing, on which I watched movies to pass the time. I slept a lot. I felt like I was tossing and turning for most of it. It was such a shock to hear the captain say we would be landing in 20 minutes when I woke up. I felt like I was in a time warp. For almost a day, I did not see sunlight. Huge change from those two weeks in sunny LA. It was just darkness outside my window seat. Sometimes, if I squinted, I could see clouds reflecting the light from the moon. The first burst of light I saw from my window was the full moon. During my weeks in LA, I had been watching the moon become bigger and bigger, night by night (waning or waxing?). I was hoping that on my last night in LA, I would see it full. Instead, I saw it on my first early morning in the Philippines. It was whole. As whole as I feel right now being back in the motherland.
The seat next to me was empty. That's the second time that happened to me in a row. The seat next to me during my flight to LA from NY was empty too. I hope it's not some bad omen. I hope that whoever those seats belong to is okay.
I was looking forward to an extreme culture shock. But my Tita Liz said she would try to make the Philippines feel like "America" for me. I'm not really allowed to roam around by myself. Understandable, but that's a freedom I'm used to getting away with back home. Tita Liz is mad bougie. She stuck me in her extra airconditioned condo in Pasig City for the day while she and Tito Philip are at work and my cousins are at school. (They also have a big house in a gated community also in Pasig, retail property next to the condo, and a farm plot in Zambales).
She didn't stick me here alone. She has two katulongs at home. One of them, Mira, was assigned to babysit me. I am NOT used to asking someone to do things for me. So I didn't. But Mira insisted. I was looking for where the drinking water was in the condo and instead of just showing me where it was, Mira prepared a glass for me with ice and all. I tried to make conversation with her about how hot it is in the Philippines and she offered to turn on the airconditioning in my room. She held my groceries. She held my hand when we crossed the street. I feel like I'm being forced to play a really feudal role. I don't want to boss Mira around. She has been really confused that I don't have anything for her to do. And I'm afraid that she'll come offering to do things. We're both really shy around each other and are sitting in separate rooms to avoid each other like the plague. But I realized...she's masa. She's someone I want to get to know. I want her to see me as a peer, as a friend and not as her employer's niece, and especially not as her boss. I tried making conversation with her again. I found out she's 20 years old, like me. She's from Leyte and is the youngest of 10 children. She speaks Cebuano. Our conversations are filled with long, awkward, fidgety silences. I told her I was sorry if I seemed to be acting weird around her. I'm just not used to having someone wait on me all the time. We'll warm up to each other soon. We have a whole day to spend stuck in a condo together. The rainclouds have arrived.
For the record, Jollibee is a heckuvalot better in the Philippines.
Jeepneys and tricycles are a lot smaller than I remember them being. I was fearing for my life while riding in them. I want to reach the point where I'm not afraid anymore.
Expo starts tomorrow.
Mel and Cris, are y'all ready?
-Jackie
LA was a hazy dream. I saw faces that I didn't see on the daily in NYC, but they all looked so familiar. Kasamas' faces never leave you, I guess. It feels good to know that I will be welcomed with open arms wherever I can find my kasamas.
I stayed at Terrie's place Mondays through Wednesdays. She and her roommates and most of the women in SiGAw seem to be vegetarian. I thought it was funny that when I was feening for tacos for dinner one night, I ended up eating a jackfruit "carnitas" taco at this vegan restaurant that the SiGAw ladies took me to. I felt much healthier. But sometimes, my usual carniverous diet left me craving to chow down on BBQ ribs or something. I once had gone through two meatless days. I spent the end half of the week with Alex in Long Beach. He has been a wonderful kasama-partner, always helping me calm my pre-expo jitters. Knowing that I've come to the Philippines to do something real big has left me less heartbroken about leaving Alex in LA, and ready to face my people, all eyes and all ears.
The flight here was sooooooo quick. I flew Philippine Airlines from LAX nonstop to Manila. 13 hours only seemed like 2. Each seat had a personal TV thing, on which I watched movies to pass the time. I slept a lot. I felt like I was tossing and turning for most of it. It was such a shock to hear the captain say we would be landing in 20 minutes when I woke up. I felt like I was in a time warp. For almost a day, I did not see sunlight. Huge change from those two weeks in sunny LA. It was just darkness outside my window seat. Sometimes, if I squinted, I could see clouds reflecting the light from the moon. The first burst of light I saw from my window was the full moon. During my weeks in LA, I had been watching the moon become bigger and bigger, night by night (waning or waxing?). I was hoping that on my last night in LA, I would see it full. Instead, I saw it on my first early morning in the Philippines. It was whole. As whole as I feel right now being back in the motherland.
The seat next to me was empty. That's the second time that happened to me in a row. The seat next to me during my flight to LA from NY was empty too. I hope it's not some bad omen. I hope that whoever those seats belong to is okay.
I was looking forward to an extreme culture shock. But my Tita Liz said she would try to make the Philippines feel like "America" for me. I'm not really allowed to roam around by myself. Understandable, but that's a freedom I'm used to getting away with back home. Tita Liz is mad bougie. She stuck me in her extra airconditioned condo in Pasig City for the day while she and Tito Philip are at work and my cousins are at school. (They also have a big house in a gated community also in Pasig, retail property next to the condo, and a farm plot in Zambales).
She didn't stick me here alone. She has two katulongs at home. One of them, Mira, was assigned to babysit me. I am NOT used to asking someone to do things for me. So I didn't. But Mira insisted. I was looking for where the drinking water was in the condo and instead of just showing me where it was, Mira prepared a glass for me with ice and all. I tried to make conversation with her about how hot it is in the Philippines and she offered to turn on the airconditioning in my room. She held my groceries. She held my hand when we crossed the street. I feel like I'm being forced to play a really feudal role. I don't want to boss Mira around. She has been really confused that I don't have anything for her to do. And I'm afraid that she'll come offering to do things. We're both really shy around each other and are sitting in separate rooms to avoid each other like the plague. But I realized...she's masa. She's someone I want to get to know. I want her to see me as a peer, as a friend and not as her employer's niece, and especially not as her boss. I tried making conversation with her again. I found out she's 20 years old, like me. She's from Leyte and is the youngest of 10 children. She speaks Cebuano. Our conversations are filled with long, awkward, fidgety silences. I told her I was sorry if I seemed to be acting weird around her. I'm just not used to having someone wait on me all the time. We'll warm up to each other soon. We have a whole day to spend stuck in a condo together. The rainclouds have arrived.
For the record, Jollibee is a heckuvalot better in the Philippines.
Jeepneys and tricycles are a lot smaller than I remember them being. I was fearing for my life while riding in them. I want to reach the point where I'm not afraid anymore.
Expo starts tomorrow.
Mel and Cris, are y'all ready?
-Jackie
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